A being that seeks a sense of belonging

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Recently, when I was going back home after playing badminton. Some memories during my time at university suddenly flash thru.

  • Remembering there was a time when I changed about 4 cliques in 5 semesters.
  • Remembering there was a time when being in the dragon boat community felt much better than being in Christian Fellowship (CF).
  • Recalling there was a time I wondered between 2 churches after I left the church I grew up in and struggled to settle down.

Why did it happen? What was the similarity? What was I looking for?

After pondering for a moment, it is just a simple answer. I was finding a sense of belonging. I find it ironic that I did not realize why I did it. Those actions seem so natural. Yet I never question myself. Now, I know the answer. Finding a sense of belonging led me to where I am right now.

Why do I long for a sense of belonging?

Maybe it is because of my past experience. The past experience that sometimes haunts me. When I was 12, a young boy was just about to take the UPSR exam. I felt alienated by most of my classmates. It causes me to think about whether the problem is coming from me or others. Back then, the only problem that I could think of is either that I’m terrible in Mandarin (during that time, my teacher implemented a mini competition within my class and the teams with better proficiency in Mandarin gets higher scores to win the game). Or because of my laziness (sometimes I don’t pass up my homework). Or because I was a prefect or I have attitude problems (?). I don't know. It almost felt like my life went south after changing to another class just for that year. It was my final year in primary school.

    I felt miserable. I don’t even want to go school carnival during that year. An event that I used to enjoy the most. Sadly, this wasn’t the end of it.

    When I was studying in high school, I struggled to fit in with my classmates. Oftentimes, I would always stick with my best friend no matter where I go. We were in the same during the first 3 years before we finished our PMR exam. After that, we went in different streams as we have different goals. But we will always meet up during recess and after school. Although, there were many times I wanted to have more friends. However, I always felt I could not fit in or was scared to open up and be myself. People tend to ask, “Why do you have so less friends?”, “Why do you always stick with your best friend?”, etc. Do they ask out of care? or do they ask because they just simply want to mock me? I have no idea. Sometimes I would even cry in bed thinking why do I have fewer friends.

    In the end, another uneventful high school life. I have always admired those who have pleasant memories of their high school life. Listening to what they achieve. Listening to what they get to do. While mine was mostly sadness…

    Fast forward to my university life. I dare say it was eventful in both good and bad ways. There were a few incidents that I can recall where certain actions were taken because there was a longing for a sense of belonging. The very first event that came to mind was when I just started out my university life (During my foundation year and first year of my degree). I was constantly changing cliques (almost every semester) for the first few consecutive semesters. That definitely feels bad. Constantly feeling I don’t belong to the cliques that I switched into. But thankfully, I stopped changing cliques when I reach the second semester of my first year. When I thought about it, I didn’t notice I was desperate to find a clique I could fit into.

    The second event that took place was when I left the home church that I grew up in. During that time, I was not satisfied with how the pastor was managing the church and his preaching. Later on, I decided to left the church on my own accord thinking that it would be easy to settle down in some church I barely know. It turns out I was wrong. I was struggling to settle down in a church. Couldn’t find a sense of belonging. Constantly reminding myself no matter how I have to settle down in a church else things would definitely hit the fan very soon. After struggling for almost a year, I finally settled down in church which s not far from where I stay. Even though it was not my ideal plan. I am reminded that no church is perfect. I remained dormant for the following years as I didn't serve in the church. Feeling that it would be a temporary stay for no apparent reason. It seems I am also seeking a sense of belonging in the church community. The church members are very friendly. However, I wasn’t ready to blend in with the community. Mainly due to my past experience in my previous church being disappointing (not gonna go into details).

    The last event was when I found out that the sense of belonging in my dragon boat community was stronger than in my Christian fellowship community during my time at university. Knowing that as a Christian it should be the other way around. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work that way. Being able to be myself without worrying about how others will perceive me. No need to feel pressure to conform to certain standards. No need to constantly feel that someone is judging you. I choose one over the other because of a stronger sense of belonging. Even though deep down it feels wrong.

    Back to when I suddenly pondered about all these things that had to happen. I wondered. Where did it go wrong? Why did I make those decisions? Because I am a being who is constantly seeking a sense of belonging. I just want to fit in as everybody does. I just want to be myself. Some part of it is definitely my selfish desires.

Where am I right now?

By God’s grace, I was led to a Christian community from PJ last year September. I was tuning in online until April this year. After that, I started attending CG and church service physically in May this year. From the beginning of the journey, I was not expecting all of these would take place. From getting to know a new friend to join a Christian community that is situated in PJ. Although not everything is perfect, I am reminded that there is no perfect church and there are no perfect people. I am also imperfect. At times, I am constantly thinking about how can I build a deeper relationship with the community. As I felt that I don’t know how to move forward or maybe because I am trying to rush the process. What am I lacking? Praying that God will reveal to me what I can do or maybe I should pray that God will use me to be the person who can also create a sense of belonging for others.

    Recently, I’m looking forward to starting my journey to serve in church ministry. As I was reflecting on the decision that I am about to make. I asked myself. Is it for God? or is it because my friends are there? As I pondered, I recalled a friend of mine from university once reminded me that I should be making the decision on my own and not because of others (as in friends). The more I think about it, the more I am reminded that our intention to serve is very crucial as the wrong intention may lead to unnecessary problems. Praying that God will remind me of my intention to serve is for His glory alone.

What did I learn about myself?

A being who longs for a sense of belonging. I realize certain decisions that were made in the past can be deadly if I repeat them again. The worst one I can think of is I can leave a community for another because of a stronger sense of belonging. When I think this thru in a deeper manner, this is definitely not a good sign. I felt that the decision was made by my own emotions. Making everything seems dispensable when it shouldn’t be. The community shouldn’t be treated as something dispensable.

    I recalled a friend of mine recently talking about their struggle in finding back a sense of belonging in the community. He/she felt that many things had changed and everything was not like how it was before. Amid his/her struggles, he/she continued to persevere. I remember he/she mentioned that he/she heard a voice from God telling his/her to continue to stay in the community. He/she chooses to obey and pray that one day he/she will really be able to settle down in the community.

    Hearing his/her testimony, I ask myself. What will I do if one day I face the same situation? Will I be able to obey and continue to stay in the community? or will I choose to run away? I do not know what the future holds. But I pray I will choose to stay and journey on with the community.

    Another friend of mine (whom I just recently got to know) reminded me that relationships are not easily forged and we shouldn’t be simply changing the community as if it is nothing. Indeed, human relationships are hard to forge especially when everyone is a working adult. Everyone has their own life, tight schedule, family, and activities to attend to. I personally think that more initiative is required to make the relationship work. It will take a long time. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. But I do pray that God’s love will dwell in my heart enabling me to show His love towards others.

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