The Life of Someone

Recently I found myself in a constant loop of overthinking. The constant feeling of I am not good enough. Felt that I am less seen or mostly forgotten just as how life has been ever since I was a kid. People will always gratify to someone that are more interesting. I have always felt that I am just a boring that nobody would be interested in. People wouldn't thought much to invite me to go out together and so on. I mean life now is better than how it was. But still those feelings never goes away. I felt that I am always the last, the forgotten, and the less being seen kinda person. I ask God, am I overthinking too much? God, please proof me wrong. Did I do something wrong to deserve all of these? What did I do wrong? What did I not do enough? The lights around me shine so bright while I am a light that doesn't shine... Why... If the people around me has something against me, why don't they say it? Aren't we supposed to be kinsman to one another? I always felt I am the o...

Recently I looked back at my first "Note to my future self" post. I was inspired by one of the items that I wrote: Learning to love others is always challenging. There are no easy ways but there is always a loving way. Can't believe I was the one who wrote this. It doesn't felt I am that philosophical to begin with hahaha. But I thank the Lord for the godly reminder. After that, I decided to make a part 2 of note to my future self and hoping that my future self in another few years will be inspired again. Hey future me, if you are reading this. I hope that no matter what phase of life you are in, you will always remember God is always you and he will  never leave you! Going thru changes can be very very very challenging. Always ask God for guidance and learn to embrace it. A friend once told me: "Learn to enjoy the ride in every step/phase of life" Personally I still think mentoring others is not my cup of tea but if it is God's will for me to do it. Do ...

Recently I just got to know that my parents are sick and was COVID positive. They only got themselves tested when I am already back. Why am I frustrated and angry? Is not because I need to take care of them. I was furious because they did not do their part as they SHOULD HAVE BEEN. To be honest, I don't mind you guys being complacent. You don't want to wear mask or sanitize your hand. I don't care. But the moment you felt sick and you did not do your self test. That's the worst that a person can do. Seriously?! If you know you are sick, please do self test to make sure that you are COVID negative la. Is it that hard? Have you ever thought how would others feel if they got infected because of YOU?! Let me list down what are the effects you are bringing: Their health deteriorate They have to worry whether they will be affecting others who were close contact with them They have to cancel all their plans When my younger brother was the next person to fall sick. I told him ...

Recently, when I was going back home after playing badminton. Some memories during my time at university suddenly flash thru. Remembering there was a time when I changed about 4 cliques in 5 semesters. Remembering there was a time when being in the dragon boat community felt much better than being in Christian Fellowship (CF). Recalling there was a time I wondered between 2 churches after I left the church I grew up in and struggled to settle down. Why did it happen? What was the similarity? What was I looking for? After pondering for a moment, it is just a simple answer. I was finding a sense of belonging. I find it ironic that I did not realize why I did it. Those actions seem so natural. Yet I never question myself. Now, I know the answer. Finding a sense of belonging led me to where I am right now. Why do I long for a sense of belonging? Maybe it is because of my past experience. The past experience that sometimes haunts me. When I was 12, a young boy was just about to take th...

  When I decided to shift careers, everything began. Identifying what I want to achieve as I venture into programming. I first believed this journey would focus simply on my desire to switch careers. God, however, has different plans for me.        When the journey began, I also spent some time briefly joining an online tech community. In several of the online gatherings, I met a variety of individuals. Some individuals have only recently begun learning programming, those who are interested in doing so, those who are switching careers, etc. During the first few meetings, God prompted me to befriend one of the participants in the online tech community for who knows what purpose or reasons. Sean is his name. I fought with the prompting for around a week after it occurred as I could not make sense of it.  "Why was that a thought I struggled with?"        First of all, I have no idea who he is. He appears to be living in Selangor/KL. The onl...

The Problem: Recently I noticed that I have another personal problem. On many occasions, I don't know how I should react or use too much to think about how I should respond. How did I notice this? I realized this when I started moving to PJ and working in KL. The sudden change in dynamic (increase in social interaction and getting to know new friends) kinda throw me off a little due to my lack of social interaction for the past 6 months. In the Past: Back then, when I was in university, this wasn't a big issue. Maybe because I'm used to constantly interacting with people due to being active in clubs and societies. The assumption: Now that I think about it. The first assumption that comes to mind is my transition to a new role/job. Before I started working as a front-end web developer. I was working as a mechanical engineer. My day-to-day work involves interacting with clients, contractors, and suppliers. So, having to interact with new parties was very common. However, when...

I have always been a timid person. On the outside, I may look like a courageous person who would dare to take the risk and try new things. However, if you take a closer look inside. I am afraid to show my vulnerability and my weakness. Afraid to show those bad things that I'm going thru. Afraid people would view me differently after knowing my weaknesses. This leads me to constantly hide my past and my thoughts.      I would always try to avoid giving too much information about myself, especially my past. It always feels a little safer knowing that people do not know the other side of me. At first, I thought I would be able to hide it maybe forever or only reveal it to individuals who are close to my heart.      However, God has other plans for me. Last year, I started to get to know a new friend and his group of friends. When we were getting to know each other and had some conversations. In the beginning, I was trying not to reveal too much info regarding ...

It's been a while since the last time I wrote my blog. Recently I have been quite busy. Sometimes with work but mainly is because I'm currently trying to find a new job. You might be thinking. Why the heck are you job hunting when you just started your new role? The main reason for leaving is because the place that I am working at is not stable.     The sense of uncertainty causes me to consider taking the next logical step (to find a new job and a stable career). Since I am going to do it soon. So, might as well just do it now. Plus, the longing of wanting to move to KL is getting stronger. It fuels my motivation. However, my anxiety keeps on creeping into my mind causing me to overthink.      Two weeks ago, my CG leader and some members came to Malacca to visit me. I was surprised just by the fact that they came to see me. We had a good time chatting and hanging out. The next day, my mind: "f**k, I want to go KL so badly. I want to get to meet up with my ...

Not sure why but I felt that I need to left some notes here. Something that can remind the future me what needs to be done. Work should not be my everything. Always remember to spend more time with friends and family. To love God with all my strength, with all my hear and with all my soul. Always remember what God has done for me and give thanks to Him. Learning to love others is always challenging. There are no easy ways but there is always a loving way. Learn to talk less and listen more. Sometimes it helps to reduce conflicts. Always learn to understand others from a different perspective. I might not get them at first and it doesn't hurt to take a bit more time to think it through. Conflict does not solve any problems. You and I both know we learned the hard way. Spend some time for yourself. Sometimes it helps to prevent you from burning out. When in doubt, trust God more. Learn to stay connected with people that you care. It doesn't take that much time to send a text and ...

Last Friday, me and my friends have the opportunity to travel to KL. Vic came to my place to pick me up. We departed from Melaka to KL right after work. Now that I think about it. I would say it has been about almost two years since my last travel before the pandemic.    Before the trip, I sort of imagined how it would be like to meet up with my university CF friends, meet up with Sean, and how the entire flow would look like, etc. This reminds me of how I had taken physical gatherings for granted. Now every physical gathering just seems so precious.     When we arrived at KL, we went to  LI Restaurant for dinner. I think it is a western restaurant. The service was good and the food was not bad though a little pricey. I kinda like the atmosphere. Not too crowded and not too noisy. After our dinner, we went to a bubble milk tea shop to meet up with our friends for a chit-chat session. I stayed at Vic's place for the night as our check-in for the homestay is ...

What's on my mind? There are some things that I'm looking forward to. Not sure how I should describe my feeling. One thing that I do know is that I can't wait for it to take place. Here is a list of the main events that I'm looking forward to. Getting to meet a friend from KL in person Meeting the CG members that I recently got to know Moving to KL Besides that, there are also some other events that I'm looking forward to. But I don't think they will take place soon. As those things require more time and are kinda unpredictable. Reaching stability in my current job Settle down in a church and CG Finding a girlfriend Deep down, I desire all of it can occur as soon as possible. However, I know God is in control and, He has His plan for me. I need to continue to trust Him and believe He knows what is best for me. Sometimes the wait can be a bit long, especially for an impatient potato like me. It seems I still ...

Before making the decision A week before handing in my resignation letter, I got a call from an acquaintance telling me that they would offer me a job as a *secret*. Before that, it started off when he messaged me asking whether am I available for a short call. At first, I didn't know why he asked. But some part of me was able to tell why he wanted to call. The thoughts got my heart racing as I didn't expect his call at all. After the call, I informed him that I needed some time to think about it. I was kinda excited and also scared at the same time. I told myself if I'm going to take this step. It is gonna be another jump into the unknown. However, some part of me is eager to take this chance. After work, I consulted with my parents during dinner time. They were really supportive about it. A few days later, I informed him that I'm interested to take up the offer. Gone thru the ...

Have you ever wonder what does it really means by " let it flow naturally "? Back when I was still studying in university, I always thought that just let things be means letting it flow naturally. Without interfering with it too much and let the time/environment do its work. Here I am again, thinking the same question. But this time, I don't agree with the way I used to define " let it flow naturally ". It doesn't seem right. The second answer that I thought of recently is to do whatever you can with your capability. If I notice there is something beyond my control, then I will just leave it be. People usually like to say "try your best and God will do the rest". I do kinda agree with this saying. However, I still feel there is a minor dissatisfaction inside of me. Maybe is the ego in me that wants to force things to happen the way I want it to be. Let's just say that when there is something I want, I will try my very best to obtain it. Even it...

There are a few times where I accidentally text/call the wrong number because I have a friend and a colleague who has the same Sir Name. When I notice it, usually I will quickly apologize to the friend of mine and told him I accidentally called the wrong number.     However, on last Tuesday, I accidentally called his number again but I thought I manage to hang up before manage to call thru. Turns out I was wrong for this round 😂. My friend called me yesterday and we had a short conversion greeting each other and catching up with one another. It feels great to be honest. Never thought creating missed call would have such benefit.     The mental state of the people is at all time low due to this pandemic. People miss being together with their friends. Meeting them physically. Enjoying their presence. Having fun with them. and etc. People yearn to go back to the normal life that we once had. It seems there is no way to go back to the normal life that we once ...

I know it has been quite a while. But I suddenly felt that is time to pen this down after reading Ecclesiastes 3:1~15. Those Words reminded me of what I have been going thru recently.   A Season of Wandering Aimlessly   This was the time when I was working during my 1st year in the company. It was the year where the outbreak of the pandemic began. The time where lockdown was uncommon and new to us,  2020 . During my 1st year of working, I didn't put much thought into my future. People would usually think questions such as "Where should I go after 2 years?", "When should I get a girlfriend?", "How much salary should I earn to achieve my goal/dreams?", "Do I like my job?", "When should I buy a house?", etc. Those questions rarely cross my mind. I did my job like how a normal employee would do and perform my task as instructed by my superior. If someone were to ask me, "What do I want to achieve in my work?". My answer is sim...

After graduating from high school, Z spent his time serving in a Christian ministry for about two months. It was supposed to be three months thing but Z took a break in between. At first, his initial thought was to serve for about a month because Z never planned to serve at all. During the decision-making process, Z kinda bargains with God...? In his mind, Z was like "God, I will only serve for one month and that's it. Nothing more nothing less." That's what Z initially thought la. Serving in the ministry was not an easy task and sometimes it can be quite mentally challenging especially when it comes to certain areas of work. The 18-year-old Z doesn't want to go thru the struggles and just wanted to stay in his comfort zone like a baby. That's the main reason why Z didn't plan to join in the first place.     However, God has a different plan for Z. When the serving period begins, Z joined with an unwilling heart and the thoughts of hoping this "one mo...

I'm always thinking...what did I inherit from my father? Couldn't figure it out for years until just recently when he spoke about his past working experience (which he had told us for don't know how many times already). At that time he was working as a salesperson at a fax machine manufacturing company. He has no idea how a fax machine works, how to provide a quotation and not to mention how to fix a fax machine. However, a colleague of his approached him and told him that he is willing to help if he needs any advice/guide.    One day, he went to his colleague to ask him how to fix a certain issue that he encountered on the fax machine. Unfortunately, his colleague replied, "This is so easy and you don't even know how to do it? Don't waste my time.". After that incident, he told himself "Just you wait. If you can do it, I can do it too!". He started to read thru the catalog and the manual page by page. Every day trying his best to understand and ...

It pains me to admit it but I'm not good at making friends. Many people see me joined clubs and events. Saying that I have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, many of them are friends but not friends. They are slightly better than an acquaintance but not to the extend of being a real friend. Maybe I should give another term for it. Shallow friend maybe?   Maybe I should elaborate on my flaws. I tend to complain a lot like a lot a lot. People would usually stay away from me when they notice this. Nowadays, I would try to avoid complaining in front of people/friends. I tend to be a little pessimistic. Don't think people would want more negativity in their life haha. I am quite emotional. Don't wanna go into detail about this because...I don't want to say it. I can be insensible sometimes. Gotta admit I'm guilty as charged and need to constantly remind myself to be sensible. I am a noob listener. I'm still learning and I can tell you that this is by far one of the har...

There are times where we would occasionally organize a bonding trip whereby we will go somewhere with the members and have fun. 3 years ago, we all went to Lata Hammer Waterfall for our bonding trip. It was fun until an incident occur...      I think that day we arrive before noon around 10/11 am. The weather was great. Not too sunny to be honest. We gathered at the main entrance and started to make our way to the waterfall. It took us around 1 hour to reach the waterfall. After we reached the campsite, our advisor gave us a short briefing, especially on the safety regulations. There is a rumor saying there is a whirlpool near the deep end of the waterfall. So he warns us not to do any stupid shit. For example, playing near/at the deep end.      We have some fun time at the water, set up the BBQ, eat some food and we all gave a surprise to a friend of ours as it was her birthday. Everything was going great. Some are having fun, some are relaxing and some ar...

Let me tell you a tale of an emotional kid. Let's name him Z. Z started off as a happy kid. When he was little, he doesn't need to worry about anything. He doesn't know what is the meaning of worry either. Everything was great until when some sad incident happen in school when he was 12.     When he was 12, he got transferred to a different class because of slightly better grades. Things did not go well. Many of his classmates doesn't like him. He was really bad at some subjects and sometimes he does not pass up his homework. Moreover, those classmates does not want him to be in their group especially when it comes to internal class competition on certain subjects because he has bad grade for it.      That time Z does not really understand the situation in same time did not know what is sadness is or feels like but deep down he know he has this disturbing feeling in him that he could not understand. Besides that, Z doesn't understand why his classmates...